{"id":35775,"date":"2017-07-20T10:07:35","date_gmt":"2017-07-20T10:07:35","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.biphoo.com\/bipnews\/?p=35775"},"modified":"2017-07-20T10:23:15","modified_gmt":"2017-07-20T10:23:15","slug":"traveling-with-the-in-laws-five-tips-for-easing-the-tension","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.biphoo.com\/bipnews\/lifestyle\/traveling-with-the-in-laws-five-tips-for-easing-the-tension.html","title":{"rendered":"Traveling with the in-laws? Five tips for easing the tension."},"content":{"rendered":"

Traveling with the in-laws? Five tips for easing the tension.<\/span><\/strong><\/span><\/h2>\n

Traveling with the in-laws? Five tips for easing the tension.:-\u201cJack, we should call someone. I don\u2019t think he can do this. Do you have reception here? Let\u2019s call someone. He can\u2019t do this.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s my mother-in-law, Maureen. Jack is her husband, and I am \u201che,\u201d lying underneath a rented Toyota Sequoia on an unpaved road high above Leadville, Colo., trying to solve the SUV\u2019s complex spare-tire retention system so I can change a flat. It is 47 degrees and raining. Cold runnels of dull-orange mud are coursing around me. With Maureen and Jack are my wife, Cathleen, and our two kids Kai and Christina, all huddled around a small pine tree and nearly dwarfed by the pile of luggage we unloaded to access the jack.<\/span><\/p>\n

Look, I love my in-laws. We get along fine and have, over 15 years, developed what feels like mutual affection and respect. And yet, if that disembodied voice had belonged to my mom or dad, I would have not responded with a chipper \u201cAlmost got it!\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Tension with in-laws, especially during the forced togetherness of travel, is rooted in the obvious, says Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development at Cornell University. \u201cThey aren\u2019t your family, and you aren\u2019t theirs. And you\u2019re under great pressure if not to like them then at least to get along with them.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

How you handle that pressure can be the difference between having a nice vacation and really needing one.<\/span><\/p>\n

The ground rules:<\/strong> First \u2014 and people actually violate this one, shockingly \u2014 never invite your parents on a trip without talking to your spouse, says Anne Ziff, a marriage and family therapist who practices in Connecticut and New York City. Second, before agreeing to a trip, make sure people will have their own space and opportunities for enjoyment.<\/span><\/h3>\n

\u201cThe point of a vacation is get away from the stresses of life,\u201d Ziff says. \u201cIf you really don\u2019t get along, don\u2019t travel together.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

A liberating notion, but because that parachute cord is often out of reach, your next move is to set boundaries.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAgree with your spouse on when to leave and return, and whether one of you needs time alone during each day,\u201d Ziff says.<\/span><\/p>\n

Then, it\u2019s up to the blood relative to deliver the message: \u201cSay, \u2018Here\u2019s what we\u2019d like to do,\u2019 not \u2018Here\u2019s what we\u2019re willing to do,\u2019\u2009\u201d she advises. \u201cTone matters.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

This can get tricky if, say, the trip is meant to celebrate your in-laws\u2019 40th anniversary, and they\u2019re paying. In such cases, you may need to be more deferential, and here\u2019s hoping you saved some vacation time for yourself later.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pillemer adds that for trips involving many people and divergent interests, a resort or a cruise might be \u201ca lot better than everyone being stuck in an isolated beach house for two weeks with only one car.\u201d Settings with service staff can also help alleviate the martyr complex for those who feel that they carry more of the chores load.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pillemer suggests thinking ahead about how you\u2019ll want to remember the vacation: \u201cAsk yourself, \u2018Will I feel better if I go off for the day and do my own thing?\u2019\u201d If the answer is yes, make that happen.<\/span><\/p>\n

First trip with the in-laws:<\/strong> If I was in charge, this wouldn\u2019t count against your annual leave. But I\u2019m not, so focus instead on what to expect.<\/span><\/h3>\n

\u201cPre-discuss how your new partner\u2019s family likes to travel,\u201d says Brianna Marshall, a marriage and family therapist in Las Vegas. Some clans play everything by ear, or eat dinner at 10 p.m., or demand your cheery participation in all activities. (Sunrise yogilates!)<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIf you\u2019re expecting to relax but their plan is to get everyone up at 5:30 a.m. to be out the door at 6, you need to know that and have mechanisms for managing it,\u201d Marshall says, such as curling into a ball and muttering \u201cThere\u2019s no place like home!\u201d until they leave you alone. Okay, she didn\u2019t say that. A better tack might be to acquiesce to their agenda one day but do your own thing the next.<\/span><\/p>\n

Snipe hunting:<\/strong> If your unease derives from the occasional snipe \u2014 say, a mother-in-law telling a grandkid, \u2018Don\u2019t you have the BEST daddy in the world?\u2019 with no mention of mommy \u2014 just let it go, Marshall says. \u201cPut up an invisible shield, and tell yourself, \u2018I\u2019m on a vacation I\u2019m having a good time, and it\u2019s going to be very hard for someone to ruin my mood.\u2019\u2009\u201d<\/span><\/h3>\n

If the bugaboo is politics or social issues, Pillemer asserts that during travel there \u201ccan and should be a demilitarized zone,\u201d and that vacations are not for mining known areas of conflict. In the incredibly likely event someone breaks that rule, he adds, \u201cremind yourself it\u2019s a limited amount of time\u201d that you have to spend with these people.<\/span><\/p>\n

Also, if you\u2019re expecting to be provoked, Pillemer advises interior rehearsal, where you run through the difficult interaction in your mind and practice a defusing response. That way, when your sister-in-law mentions that your carefully chosen dinner outfit makes you look like a rodeo clown, you won\u2019t unleash a fury of biting insults \u2014 or that, if you do, you\u2019ll nail your delivery. (Sigh .\u2009.\u2009. okay, he didn\u2019t say that last bit either.)<\/span><\/p>\n

Get along with one but not the other:<\/strong> Oh boy, this\u2019ll be fun. Team up with your ally and battle your foe to the death!<\/span><\/h3>\n

Definitely don\u2019t do that.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cPlay the hand you\u2019re dealt,\u201d Marshall says. \u201cGo along with the one who likes you and don\u2019t worry about the other. You don\u2019t need their approval \u2014 you have your spouse. Just make sure that if there\u2019s any negativity it\u2019s not coming from you.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

If you really want to seek higher ground, Ziff suggests the fraught territory of a heart-to-heart talk.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cFind time to say, \u2018I really love your daughter, and I know you do too. I also know you and I don\u2019t have a very warm relationship. I\u2019d like your help to make that better.\u2019 It\u2019s very valuable to show that you\u2019re receptive to help. You\u2019re trying to create common ground,\u201d Ziff says.<\/span><\/p>\n

Full disclosure: This angle could elevate your vacation to a height of Zen or fast-track you to a nearby motel.<\/span><\/p>\n

If you finally lose it:<\/strong> Don\u2019t hold back, surface every hurt you\u2019ve carried around for 25 years and, pleasepleaseplease post a video of this tantrum on social media.<\/span><\/h3>\n

Actually, no. Our triad of experts all agree that issues will arise on most trips with in-laws \u2014 midnight ukulele practice, the mandatory pre-dinner seance, binge drinking \u2014 and when you\u2019re seriously careening off your axis it\u2019s best to work through someone the offender trusts to get your message across. If you happen to be the offender, try to receive such overtures with grace, especially if they\u2019re coming from the police.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cVery rarely does open confrontation work,\u201d Pillemer says. He also cites studies showing that negative events have a much greater impact on mood than do positive ones \u2014 by a factor of 20 to 1.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat means that if everything has been great up to a point and then there\u2019s just one blowup, everyone will remember that incident. Therefore, ask yourself, \u2018Is it worth it to challenge grandpa on his stance on abortion or the death penalty on this trip?\u2019 People aren\u2019t going to change, and you\u2019re certainly not going to be able to change them,\u201d Pillemer says.<\/span><\/p>\n

So be a good person, refrain from even thinking \u201cI told you so\u201d after changing the tire, and let the little things \u2014 and even a few big ones \u2014 slide. You\u2019ll be a happier traveler for it.<\/span><\/p>\n

Source:-https:\/\/www.washingtonpost.com\/lifestyle\/travel\/traveling-with-the-in-laws-five-tips-for-easing-the-tension\/2017\/07\/19\/a1686942-601f-11e7-8adc-fea80e32bf47_story.html?utm_term=.1014182f43bf<\/span><\/p>\n

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